2 years

 I had a very hard time penning down all my memories back in 2020. And so I decided to stop writing. As Vaishutai's 2nd death anniversary approaches, I find myself teary-eyed again. Will this grief ever lessen?

The last couple of years of her life after her kids went off to college, Vaishutai had more time to chat with me. She would patiently hear out all my woes about friends, cooking mishaps, kids, work stress. She always was a good listener. And she always in her calm voice would say, "Its ok, Manali, really everything will be fine". After the phone call, I would realize that my problems were so trivial compared to hers. I would get into a dark depression. I would feel helpless, and feel terribly sad for her. I really didn't want her to die. 

Once I remember, she told me how she was cleaning out her closet, her work clothes, because she was not going to need those clothes anymore. It was as if she was closing chapters of her life. It was as if she knew she wasn't going to get better. It was as if she had stopped hoping. That left me sad for a long time. Why was I sad when she was around? At the very least I could pick up the phone and chat with her. 

So year 2021, I shut out all memories, and tried to remember her words, "Life is precious Manali, value it". And so, I tried to take each day, with meaning, tried to fake joy to feel joyous. 

Each one of us will have to suffer the death of a loved one, but why did it have to be her? And why did she have to die at such a young age?

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